Dear Montaigne: My Friend Cancels Plans With Three Texts

My Friend Cancels Lunch By Text Every Time

Montaigne Replies

Michel de Montaigne, French essayist and statesman (1533 to 1592)

Dear Stood Up in Spokane,

Dear Stood Up in Spokane, I will tell you a secret: I once sulked for most of an afternoon over a letter that had not arrived. So I am hardly the man to scold you for stewing. Still, a drawer of rain checks is a funny thing to keep. Let us find out what you are really guarding in there.

You ask which of you is ridiculous. Probably both, and kindly so. But the sting is not the sandwich. It is that you have stopped saying what you feel, and your friend cannot guess. I wrote in my Essays about my own dear friend, and why I loved him: "Because it was he, because it was I." Notice what that asks. Love needs no excuses, but it does need honesty.

So skip the grand confrontation and skip the silent retreat. Say one plain, warm sentence out loud, on the phone if you can. Tell her you miss her, that the last-minute cancellations sting, and ask whether the first Friday still suits her life. She may be overwhelmed. She may need a smaller plan, like a walk. Friendship survives truth far better than it survives your quiet bookkeeping.

This week, call her before 11:42 on any day, and propose one small thing: a half-hour coffee, no rain check needed. Then throw out the drawer, metaphorically or otherwise. I have found that a friend who knows how I really feel is worth ten who merely get my polite emoji. Eat the sandwich with company.

— Montaigne

Michel de Montaigne was born in 1533 near Bordeaux, France, and trained in law. He served as a magistrate and later as mayor of Bordeaux. In his late thirties he retired to the library in a tower on his family estate and began writing the Essays, a form he effectively popularized. He wrote candidly about himself, his habits, his friendships, and his flaws. His work is still read because it feels remarkably modern: curious, self-deprecating, and honest about being human. He died in 1592.

Try This Today

Pick one friend you have been quietly keeping score with. Today, send or say one honest, warm sentence, such as "I miss you, and I would love a short coffee this week." Skip the hint and the sarcasm. Then propose one specific day and time, and notice how much lighter the plan feels when it is small and clearly spoken.

Your Turn

What is something you have been saying is fine to a friend lately, and what would you say if you trusted the friendship to hold it?