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Dear Aristotle: My Grown Son Called Once And I Celebrated

A mother checks her phone, torn between a victory parade and a sulk, while Aristotle suggests a calmer path.
Ancient Wisdom, Modern Problem

My Grown Son Called Once And I Celebrated

Dear Aristotle,

My son called last Tuesday at 4:15 just to chat, for eleven whole minutes, with no request attached. I told my entire bridge club he had turned over a new leaf. Then Thursday he answered my long, thoughtful text with a single thumbs-up, and I spent the evening composing a speech about how he has changed back. My husband says I am being ridiculous in both directions. Is he right, and how do I stop grading my grown child on every phone call?

— Thumbs-Upped in Tulsa

Aristotle Replies

Aristotle, Greek philosopher and student of Plato (384 to 322 BC)

Dear Thumbs-Upped in Tulsa,

Dear Thumbs-Upped in Tulsa, you have made two mistakes, and they point in opposite directions. First you built a parade float out of one phone call. Then you mourned over a thumbs-up. I am a philosopher, so I adore a pair of excesses. Let me show you the sensible spot between them.

In my Nicomachean Ethics I observed that "One swallow does not make a summer, nor does one day." I was talking about happiness, but it holds for sons. A single warm call is one swallow. A single curt text is also one swallow. Neither tells you the season. Character shows in what a person does steadily over time, and reading it takes patience.

So aim for the middle. Do not announce a transformation at bridge club, and do not announce a decline either. Enjoy the call as a pleasant afternoon. Read the thumbs-up as a busy man's wave. Then watch for a few months. If the calls keep coming, you may call it summer. Until then, reply warmly, ask for nothing extra, and keep your own mood off his phone.

This week, write down each time you hear from him, with the date and nothing else. No commentary. Look at the list in a month. Evidence is calmer company than hope or dread. And if the list turns out long, treat yourself to something nice. You will have earned a good season.

— Aristotle

In Aristotle's Own Words

“One swallow does not make a summer, nor does one day.”

— Aristotle, Nicomachean Ethics, Book 1

In the first book of the Ethics, Aristotle is asking what happiness really is. He argues that it cannot be judged from a brief moment of good fortune, because a good life is measured over a complete span of time, as one early bird does not bring the spring. The line still fits modern life, where one text, one call, or one good day can feel like a verdict when it is only a single data point.

Who Was Aristotle?

Aristotle was born in Stagira, in northern Greece, in 384 BC. He joined Plato's Academy in Athens as a young man and studied there for about twenty years. He later tutored the young Alexander the Great, then founded his own school, the Lyceum, where he is said to have taught while walking. He wrote on logic, biology, politics, rhetoric, and ethics. The Nicomachean Ethics asks how people can live well, and its answer, built on habit and the middle path between extremes, is still studied today.

Try This Today

Pick one person whose moods you tend to read too much into. For the next seven days, keep a plain tally on a scrap of paper: date, what happened, nothing more. Do not interpret anything until the week ends. Then look at the whole page. You will likely find a pattern calmer than any single day made it seem.

Your Turn

Where in your life are you treating one good or bad moment as a whole season, and what would a longer view show you?

MINDFULNESS AND PEACE
PATIENCE
PERSPECTIVE

Letters are composites written by the Lifted Words editors. Replies are written in the spirit of each thinker; the quote in the blue box is their own.

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